How to (Actually) Survive at Camp Half Blood
by kumquat42
Summary: Have you ever wondered about the rules for living at Camp Half Blood? Don't wear your hat indoors, don't run with scissors, etc. Well, those are lame, so here are the REAL rules, made by REAL campers, that tell you how to REALLY live at Camp Half Blood. Ex: Magma is NOT a sundae topping. Ha! I'll bet you're not gonna find advice like that in a brochure! Read for more wise stuff...


**Sadly, I don't own PJO or anything else I use in this story; if I did, you would know.**

**If you're allergic to plot, context, and sense-making in general, the list starts right after the page break, you're free to start reading there, but you'll be missing out on...something...**

John Smith took his one hundred and thirty-first step into Camp Half Blood.

He was beginning to feel a little lost.

The journey here hadn't been easy, mostly thanks to an angry hoard of robotic ostriches and his protector's belief that oranges are the root of all evil and must be slain on sight; a wrong turn at Albuquerque and several misunderstandings with produce owners later and here he was, ready to learn how to wield something other than an orange-juicer.

An older teenage boy with curly brown hair and an amused expression ran up to him.

"Hi! Welcome to Camp Half Blood, I am Leo Valdez, supreme commander of awesome and ruler of this fair kingdom. What's your name?"

"Uh, John Smith."

"You can tell me, we're all friends here."

"No, that's actually my name."

"Oh, sorry," he paused awkwardly, "so, did you just get here?"

"Um, yeah, I'm supposed to go to a large house for a presentation thingy."

"The Big House is on the other side of the camp."

"I get lost easily."

"It's right next to the entrance."

"Really easily."

"I see, I can show you the way."

"You don't have to, I'll find it...eventually."

"No, I was just on my way to meet my incredible and incredibly hot girlfriend."

"Okay then."

During the walk, the awkwardness was so thick, you couldn't cut it with a celestial bronze chainsaw.

They reached the Big House not a moment too soon, John had been ready to stab himself in the foot just to break the silence.

"So that's why they call it the Big House." John said after some unnecessary standing, as they were right next to a few lawn chairs. "It's so..."

"Big." Leo finished.

"Yup." John nodded.

A man in a grotesque hawaiian shirt walked out of the very big house, "Sanchez, what are you doing here? Did you put the bobble-head curse on him too?"

John realized, to his horror, that he was still nodding his head and tried to stop while Leo 'politely' corrected the man on what his last name was.

"Whatever," the man interrupted Leo's rant about common curtesy. "You, what are you still doing here?"

"Um, I was supposed to watch some presentation thing." John decided that he would sound more intelligent if he left the 'y' off of 'thingy'.

He didn't even consider how intelligent he would sound if he left 'thing' out all together.

"Oh, yes, of course. Go on in." He waved in the general direction of the wall next to the door.

John figured he meant the door, so he started walking towards it.

Two steps later, Leo shoved a scroll into his pocket and whispered, "here's how you actually survive at Camp Half Blood."

After the presentation, dinner, the bonfire, and being claimed by Kymopoleia, John was lying in a bunk of his mother's cabin, which was quite impressive despite his being the first child of Kymopoleia at Camp Half Blood. Ever.

A few minutes of tossing and turning later and John decided that he could't sleep, he was simply too excited. He got up and moved to a chair in the private theater. He was about to start a movie called 'Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief' when he found the scroll that Leo had put in his pocket was, unsurprisingly, still in his pocket.

He pulled it out and started reading.

_P_A_G_E_B_R_E_A_K_

How to (actually) survive at Camp Half Blood

1. In hindsight, playing leapfrog with unicorns is a terrible idea

2. Asking Percy if he wants sushi for dinner doesn't go over well

3. Leo is way too enthusiastic when it comes to crème brûlée, it's best to avoid to topic entirely

4. Pegasi do NOT appreciate being referred to as 'Rainbow Dash', 'Flutter Shy, or 'Cloudkicker'

5. Unless one of the above mentioned names is the actually pegasus's name, then don't call them by anything else

6. In general, pegasi are very easily offended

7. Never ask a pegasus if something offends him or her unless you want to get kicked in the face

8. The Pirate's Code is more like a guideline than actual rules, you don't necessarily have to follow it

9. Chiron doesn't think jokes concerning his rear end are remotely funny, as he is also very easily offended

10. No one likes having a target painted on his or her back, especially a literal target on archery day

11. Twizzlers make for awful bowstrings

12. 'Pin the tail on the centaur' is one of the worst ideas in camp history EVER and should NEVER be repeated, even if the Party Ponies are visiting

13. Never mention sunscreen to an Apollo camper

14. If you're in a fifty foot radius of any Aphrodite camper, never say the words Channing Tatum, Richard Gere, Ryan Gosling, Matthew McConaughey, Patrick Swayze, Hugh Grant, or Tristan McLean

15. Never ask an Athena camper what book he or she is reading

16. Never mention skittles to an Iris camper

17. Mr D doesn't appreciate questions about whether or not he attends Alcoholics Anonymous meetings

18. Communism is only a red herring, don't let anyone fool you

19. Righty tighty, lefty loosey

20. Just because it's good to be king, you shouldn't try to assassinate Zeus to become the new king

21. Never comment on Piper's hair

22. Never comment on Piper's clothes

23. Just to be safe, never comment on Piper's general appearance

24. Goblins are always the most stupid creatures on the battle field (unless you're in the Mercadia Block)

25. Never say the word 'herbicide' to a Ceres camper

26. Poison ivy will never be a suitable replacement for undergarments, don't let the Stolls convince you of otherwise

27. Greek fire will never be a suitable replacement toothpaste or hair gel, don't let the Stolls convince you of otherwise

28. Xaldin was wrong

29. Magma is NOT a sundae topping

30. Don't ask out a hunter, your life is worth more than that

31. Drew is the devil, avoid her at all costs; crosses, garlic, and holy water can be used to ward her off if necessary

32. The magma climbing wall is NOT intended for sledding, skiing, or snowboarding

33. You cant light a apricot duck on fire with nachos

34. Random ≠ funny

35. Never refer to a Hecate camper as 'Tim the enchanter'

36. Never ask a Hecate camper what house he or she is in

37. Chiron does not give free pony rides, even if you ask very nicely and offer him a carrot

38. As tempting as it may be, don't draw mustaches on sleeping Hypnos campers, it's about as safe as poking a sleeping Hydra

39. While we're on the subject, don't poke sleeping Hydras

40. Don't provoke anything with teeth larger than your left foot

41. Always wash behind your ears

42. Don't swim in water that has a 'beware of flesh eating water beetles' sign

43. Swimming in water with any other waring sign is perfectly safe

44. Pineapples and pineapple grenades are entirely different things, never confuse them

45. Whatever your quest is, it's probably a good idea to bring plenty of both

46. There is NOT a deluxe Starbucks hidden in the woods, don't let anyone convince you of otherwise

47. There IS a metal dragon in the woods, and no, he does not give free rides or roast marshmallows, even if you ask nicely

48. Mankrik's wife is THERE

49. Hellhounds are not suitable pets for families who have likable, small children

50. If at first you don't succeed, monster fighting might not be for you

51. Having a dark and troubled past is overrated

52. Bearing any sort of resemblance to a Mary Sue or Gary Stu will only result in lots of hate and even more fanfics depicting your grisly demise

53. Go for mysterious and angsty loner or jerk with a sensitive-side instead, you'll get more tumblr posts, more fangirls, and more ships

54. Never wear white after labor day

55. Mustache man knows no secrets

56. Saying "I'll take a potato chip and EAT IT" is only funny the first three times, after that, someone will take your potato chips and HIDE THEM!

57. Despite their similar appearances and destinies, Percy Jackson and Harry Potter are completely different people with no relation whatsoever

58. Percy doesn't have any lightning-shaped scars and is tired of people asking

59. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts

60. If you're losing a fight, the cheat code is Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right-B-A-Start

61. Never glitter-bomb an Ares camper

62. "How you doin'?" in the WORST pickup line in the history of all pickup lines, the use of it will result in your being hunted down and burned at the stake by Aphrodite campers

63. Nico and pink are like lit matches and dynamite, try to put them together and you may never see you limbs again

64. 'The Fault in Our Stars' is Annabeth's trigger phrase to start bawling her eyes out, mention it at your own risk

65. No capes, they get caught on thing and lead to untimely deaths

66. Don't boop the noses of gods or goddesses, incineration isn't a fun way to go

67. The Care Bear Stare is an effective means of creeping out your opponent, nothing more

68. Referring to the Stolls as 'the wonder twins' will result in five lifetimes' worth of misery and suffering

69. Lol, immaturity is a great battle strategy when fighting other people or sentient monsters, confuse the Hades out of them

70. It's never lupus, don't even suggest it

71. With the right amount of blue candy and cookies, you can make Percy do practically anything

72. Try not to have too cliche of a backstory, it's boring for the readers

73. Don't think too hard about Argus's anatomy, please, for the sake of your sanity, don't think about it!

74. There's always money in the banana stand, you still aren't allowed to 'borrow' it for a quest

75. However cool they are, fezzes, stetsons, and bow ties aren't suitable replacements for battle armor

76. Improvisation is not a plan

77. Attack is not a plan

78. Total destruction is not a backup plan

79. Be sure to go through plans A to S before you start plan T

80. A complex plan will always fail in a ridiculous way

81. A simple plan will always fail in a catastrophic way

82. Running recklessly into battle shouting "LEEEEEEEROYY JENKINS!" might be funny, but it's a terrible pan

83. Having one guy take out all the enemies is not a plan

84. Having a mortal fear of bunnies is overused, if you have this phobia, please get over it for the sake of the reader

85. Saying "it's only a flesh wound" won't help you at all, ambrosia might

86. And now for something completely different, because NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

87. Will Solace is a healer, not a/n [insert job title here]

88. No matter what the circumstances, asking for the truth will result in someone shouting "you can't handle the truth" and possible loss of hearing

89. Referring to a Hecate camper as 'that dollophead' will only result in confusion

90. Shouting "fatality" when you kill a monster doesn't make you look cool, it make you look like a dork

91. Demigods are trained heroes, so don't try this at home!

92. Constructing more pylons will not help you. Ever.

93. The cake is a lie, don't let anyone fool you

94. Never keep large quantities of cabbage in one place unless you want it to be destroyed

95. Never ask "what could possibly go wrong?", because there is always something else

96. "The ebola" is not an appropriate response to the previous question

97. Never say "nothing can go wrong" or "it's a perfect plan" because the universe will be forced to prove you wrong

98. There are no sword skills, you have to actually be skilled

99. A stripping habit will not gain you friends, only stalkers and memes

100. There is no spoon

***sings* guess who's back back back, back again, guess who's back back back, tell a friend.**

**JK, I'll actually be back with updates for all my stories in the first week of February. *crosses fingers* Until then, enjoy this bit of randomness!**

**If this is your first time reading a certified kumquat story and you laughed at least once, check out my other stories on my profile!**

**(Demigod Dares, Quest for Death's Veil, A Demigod Christmas Story)**

**If you are following before mentioned story/s, I swear I'm working on chapters**

**Please review and tell me what you think!**

**Did you like it? Should I continue it?**

**Do you have ideas for if I should continue?**

**Do you have to tips on how to survive at Camp Half Blood?**

**Am I a terrible writer who should go die in a hole with five pineapples? Tell me!**

**Also, I dare you to guess all the references!**

**—XOXO your friendly neighborhood kumquat**


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